Relationship with Marriage
Speaker: Joe and Arabelle Hinchliff came to us from Family Foundations International (FFI) right here in Littleton. (www.familyfoundations.com) They were married in 1970 but met as high school sweethearts in Washington State where they lived until moving to Colordo to work with FFI in 1998. Joe has been a youth pastor and worked for churches and ministries over the years following his attendance at a Bible College in Edmonds, Washington. The Hinchliffs serve FFI as the Ministry Operations Managers and U.S. National Coordinators. Today, they are here to speak to us on Communication and Conflict Resolution in Marriage.
The Three C's of Marriage:
Communication, Conflict Resolution, Covenant
"When all three of these principles are functionally in place in a marriage, most couples experience a renewed sense of romantic love for one another, and a deep sense of security and fulfillment in their marriage relationship. There is also tremendous joy in knowing that they are accomplishing together a purpose designed by God that is far greater than themselves and their own personal pleasure." Expert taken from "Two Fleas & No Dog" by Craig Hill (pg 4)
COMMUNICATION:
Regular, Transparent, Heart to Heart
We began with a video clip about a husband's intent to bless his family...The family walks into Dairy Queen:
Husband says: "Order anything you want".
Wife looks over the choices and decides on a Banana Split.
Husband: "$4.50 for a Banana Split!!!" ...(let the battle begin!)
Wife: "All you ever think about is Money!"
Husband: (now thinks, What's the point of trying to do something nice - now I'm the bad guy, a rotten father and a terrible Christian)
Wife: (is thinking, He's insensitive, discourteous, inconsiderate and a jerk)
...The family leaves, nobody getting what they want and all feeling bad. Conflict (Satan) had destroyed what should have been a nice gesture.
(Eph 6:12 - "For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.")
Through this exchange (communication) between the couple, what they each heard from "$4.50 for a Banana Split!?" was this:
Husband: Golly, the price of ice cream has really gone up.
Wife: You're not worth $4.50/You are worth less than the price of a Banana Split.
The topic here had turned into a relational battle, yet we are still called to love and respect each other (Ephesians 5:33 - "However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.")
What does LOVE mean to you? (think, "5 Love Languages")
- Showing appreciation
- Quality time together
- Acceptance
- Trust
- Acts of Service
- Physical Touch
What does RESPECT mean to you?
- Not gossiping about his family
- Trust
- Supportive of decisions
- Words of Affirmation
Through love, husbands should want to take on the role as head of the house. Through respect, wives should allow them to do just that. Wives are called to a unique purpose and destiny but not to carry that load! Husbands are to stand in the gap of the enemy. Thus, the importance for husbands to attend church with their wives/families. If your husband does not attend church, he may be thinking, "I'm a bad husband, I'm not what you need, I'm not fulfilling my role". So what can we do? PRAY for them!! (In meeting we took time to gather around those wives/moms whose husbands are not believers or do not attend church with them. We prayed over each of them - it was a special few moments and meaningful (hopefully) to these women who we will continue to pray for!)
There's no such thing as a broken marriage, just two people who are wounded and keep triggering each other. Divorce in the US is at about 60% - this number remains higher in the church...a TERRIBLE statistic!!
Want to "divorce-proof" your marriage? The family that prays together stays together! We need to be constantly tying that third strand into our marriage. (Ecclesiastes 4:12 - "Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.")
In marriage we are purposed to soar to new heights - the image of Christ is represented:
Isaiah 40:31 - "But those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on the wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint."
CONFLICT RESOLUTION:
Effective Strategy for Conflict Resolution
Selfishness and pride will hinder resolve - it's important to be able to say "I'm sorry" and offer forgiveness. It's also important to repent for how you made the person feel - however, you don't have to be wrong to repent. We should all learn how to bless each other, use words of blessing.
Matthew 6:14 - For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you.
Colossians 3:13 - Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.
Ways of Handling Conflict - from "Two Fleas & No Dog" (pg 155-156)
- Fight: Attack (win/lose strategy) "We have unresolved issues for which I will fight and I'm happy only if I win" Tactics: Intimidation, manipulation, threat, yelling, blame, criticism, anger
- Flight: Withdraw (lose/lose strategy) "We have unresolved issues which are not worth fighting over and I'm happy if we just leave them unresolved" Tactics: Avoidance, closing up, withdrawal of affection, communication and support.
- Fake: Deny & Pretend (lose/win strategy) "We don't have any unresolved issues. I'm happy as it is and everything is fine" Tactics: Appeasement, denial and stuffing of feelings, appearance management, peace at all costs.
- Fold: Give up (lose/win strategy) "We have unresolved issues that are irresolvable. I'm not happy and never will be, so what's the point in trying? Tactics: Self pity, withdrawal, depression, and suicide threats.
- Forgive: Convey understanding, acceptance and forgiveness (win/win strategy) "We have unresolved topical issues for which there is a solution that meets both of our desires and goals, but can only be arrived at when we have understood and resolved our relational issues" Tactics: 1)Discern the relational messages received and sent. 2) Seek to understand why your partner sent you the relational message he did. Separate identity from behavior. (Remove the log from your eye so you can deal with the speck in your partner's eye.) 3) Forgive your partner from your heart for hurting you. 4) Apologize to your partner and ask him to forgive you for disapproving of, or invalidating his identity. 5) Now work together to find a solution acceptable to both husband and wife for the topical issue.
Forgiveness is NOT: forgetting, excusing, tolerating, over-looking, condoning, justifying that there really wasn't a problem, or allowing others to regularly violate my boundaries and take advantage of me.
Forgiveness IS: releasing another person from accountability for their wrongdoing , sin, mistake, failure, disappointment or betrayal of me. Although forgiveness is frequently a process, it begins with a choice I make.
COVENANT:
Marriage: a Unilateral, Unconditional Blood Covenant
A mutually binding agreement between two parties.
Malachi 2:14-15 - "...the Lord is acting as the witness between you and the wife of your youth...Has not the Lord made them one? In flesh and spirit they are his. And why one? Because he was seeking godly offspring. So guard yourself in your spirit, and do not break faith with the wife of your youth."
Genesis 2:24-25 - "For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife and they will become one flesh. The man and his wife were both naked, and they felt no shame."
Taken from "Two Fleas & No Dog", Author Craig Hill (pg. 4)
The Challenge: Because we do not live in a covenant culture and most people have not been taught in any context the nature and value of a covenant, society in general has exchanged the value of marriage as a covenant for the value of marriage as a contract. This breeds insecurity and independence in a marriage relationship.
Solution: Put the protective hedge of covenant back in place around your marriage by understanding committing to covenant.
A covenant signifies, "All I have, and all I am is yours"
